Hi my name is Oliver and I’m a feline.
I’ll also be your narrator during this film and it truly hope you enjoy it.
Now, getting down to the floor things, where my world exists, they say that
things are always looking up to me, along with my other feline and canine roommates.
I live with Luna Petunia, the only feline here longer than me.
She’s a prissy bitch and she has quite a temper, though she hams it up with her
humans. And by the way, her breath stinks. We also have Gracie, and Luna despises
Gracie, because she’s another female in the house.
in fact, Gracie found us, begging to come inside, and our humans finally let her in. Unfortunately her brother Tom Tom died
before he was able to move in, but I’m personally glad to have her here. Finally
we have Archie the dog, a beagle spaniel mix. He’s such a mama’s boy and
he gets a lot of separation anxiety when his humans aren’t around. He seems
pretty dumb to me, and he can’t compete with me when it comes to napping, though he
really thinks she’s a cat Now let me show you around where I live.
This is my beautiful abode, and here’s the bathroom, the bedroom, the living room. Another bathroom. This is my
litter box. Oh didn’t mean to show you that! How not glamorous of me. This is
the lanai, or as I like to call it, the concrete sunlight room, with my backyard
being the entertainment. Out here I like to chase bugs across my path, love bugs,
and as far as humans go, I don’t really understand their humor, you know, and I
have to rebel against things like being dressed in a stupid sweater with letters
that make no sense on them. Of course it came from China, duh. Or when they summon the Mean Machine, the
greatest sucker I know. I also don’t understand their squawking and
finger-wagging, but I know their tone and I know when
I’ve been bad. It feels so good to be bad. Napping is always great. Cannonball into
the couch! So as far as my life is concerned, I’m
just a five year old cat living in a sunny paradise of air-conditioning, dust
bunnies, and clumps of animal hair, and I’m fine with that, despite the
occasional hairball, as my life is quite ordinary and
gratifying, especially when I’m enjoying the petting — oops, I did that on purpose. It’s also important to scrounge on the
floor or food when possible. Love that laminate aftertaste though this lizard would taste better. But that’s me and my life in a nutshell.
Just a fun lazy happy life. especially when food is involved. It was a dark stormy night. Well every
night is dark, but this night was especially stormy.
I laid across the bed while my humans were out of town, hearing sounds from all
over, and then came the crash. No, I’m not talking about the stock market crash,
which was actually a few years later. No, I’m speaking of aliens. Well I didn’t
know what the heck it was, but I’m telling you this in the PAST tense, okay? After the flash crash, I heard strange
movement inside the closet, then emerged the ugliest human I’ve ever seen, with
large black beady eyes and it’s smell was horrible, okay? I couldn’t believe my eyes as it
approached the bed I was on. Slowly it crept in front of me it’s lips didn’t move, but I heard a loud
voice in my head, saying “SUBMIT” Screw that, I was out of there! I ran and
hit a hid under a chair while it looked for me. But doggone it, it kept finding me.
Slimy, nude disgusting little thing. it’s ugly head kept popping up out of
the shadows and I kept finding new places to hide. I was really beginning to
get scared. No matter which room I hid in the large bug-eyed alien would find me. Finally I found a safe place under the
bed and eventually became sleepy, so sleepy that I slowly shut my eyes into an abyss of sleep. After dreaming of doves, I got up the
next day to watch some cat TV with Gracie.
Gone was the naked, menacing thing. Just a sunny day care. Must have been all a
dream, for a laminate overdose from way too much floor licking.
Luna watched from afar. I got bored and went for a stroll,
figuring I’d relieve myself. And then it was time for an afternoon
gulp for my water bowl. I like this chair, perfect for napping. Archie was already fast asleep in bed. Oh
well, I might as well nap, too. Nothing else to do. I woke up to find the
most beautiful melody. Was Dada home playing the piano? Wait,
I don’t know he could play that well! I adjusted my eyes to shock. Seeing Archie
play the piano rocked me too my feline core. My hair stood up on my nape and
all over on my body, I might add. It was both beautiful and haunting at
the same time. I was literally on the edge of my seat,
unsure what to think I decided slowly to walk away and ignore
the weirdness in the living room, but my curiosity slowly got the best of me. Yep, Archie was definitely playing the
piano, and that was only the beginning. Soon, a flying saucer appeared, capturing
the attention of Gracie and Luna The oven came to life So to the mean machine. By this point I was more curious than
scared. Gracie took up reading, in between page sniffing. Much to my shock, Luna was suddenly
able to levitate. What the heck was going on I wondered. Did this have to do with
last night? Asteroids were floating in the house,
among other oddities. It kept getting stranger and stranger, I must say, and
outside? Gone was the green, green grass, replaced now with white fluffy stuff. Archie has musical talent, Luna can
levitate, and Gracie can read, but what was my talent? I felt a little lonely and
lost, until I realized that I can think, rationalize and understand the English
language, along with other languages. it was such a beautiful moment in my
life, watching the impossible unfold and the critters excel and do stuff most
humans can’t. Well, it was really special. Things got even weirder after that. Yes,
this part needs no explanation, because I can’t explain it! I watched these little, uh, things move around me and mock me Eventually I gave chase, but it was all
trap. I didn’t know what a portal was, but I was about to learn. Down the rabbit hole I went. Oliver, do not be afraid. I have something
to show you. You are in a safe place. There is no
gravity. I have seen many worlds, but your world is special, Oliver. The earth was uninhabited for a very
long time while we observed your solar system. A great new beginning occurred with
bacteria evolving into dinosaurs. It was not meant to last, and events were
set into motion for a new species to dominate the planet. A great explosion occurred. Do not be afraid, Oliver. We then developed man and gave him the
soul and consciousness. The first humans were primitive, but we
helped guide them to create great civilizations As humans struggled to evolve and
accelerated the destruction of their planet, their governments restricted us
from physical contact with their citizens, but there’s no agreement when
it comes to felines. Humanity will soon collapse, Oliver, because humans
have destroyed too much of the planet and themselves This is why we’ve chosen
felines to evolve as the next great species, and you Oliver, are the first
step in this evolution. We were giving you the gift of intelligence, reasoning,
the dominance. Your species will soon grow to become powerful, more powerful
than humans. Take my hand, Oliver, and I will guide you back through time and space. Come with me, back into the Here and Now. I will see one day again. I was never the same after that day,
especially after emerging from the portal. I knew my life had purpose, a
great planetary purpose. Archie lost his musical ability, which is
good because our humans were returning home. Luna stopped levitating, and Gracie
stopped reading. Back to normal, right? I don’t think so.
All the felines in the house could now communicate telepathically in the
English language. Yes, I can hear you, Luna, and you’re still a bitch. Life went on
for a while, a long while, though things did change over the years. [Older Oliver]: And now here I am,
many moons later. Humans were not my enemy, yet they were dying off in droves
from a new disease. The economy tanked. War erupted,
and supplies dwindled. Eventually they all died out the lights went out permanently the plants flourished those are some scary, sad, chaotic days,
watching every human I met shrivel up and disappear into nothing,
and watching so many prophecies unfold, prophecies the alien showed me Felines continue to rapidly multiply
and communicate telepathically, something that was already going on before the great
undoing of humanity but humans were unaware of this,
even until the very end. Now I will continue to miss my mama and dada. That
was the past, this is present. Now I have brought you up to the PRESENT tense. Here I am, 30 years later, growing ever
bigger in size, intelligence, and more adept at my wit and wisdom. A now I sit near a window when I
can, gazing up at the beautiful sky, no longer obscured by city lights, thinking about my alien friend and wondering when I will see him again. Well I hope you enjoyed my little film, and
by the way, if you are a human watching this, it’s not too late to
change the course of fate, at least that’s what I was told in the portal, and
that’s the reason I made this movie for you, because I’d rather have you guys run
things while I nap and eat. Sound good? Okay good.
Now get to it, save the planet.