The Meatocalypse Has Arrived


FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I DON’T LIKE TO
TALK ABOUT MYSELF THAT MUCH, BUT LONGTIME VIEWERS OF LAST NIGHT’S
SHOW KNOW THAT YESTERDAY I TALKED ABOUT HOT DOGS, A SUBJECT
NEAR AND DEAR TO MY HEART, BECAUSE THEY ARE LODGED IN MY
ARTERIES. AS I MENTIONED, A SHOCKING
INVESTIGATION HAS FOUND THAT AFTER TESTING 75 BRANDS OF HOT
DOGS, 2% OF THEM CONTAINED HUMAN D.N.A. THAT’S RIGHT, SOME OF THOSE HOT
DOGS ARE ACTUALLY HOT “DOUGS.” ( LAUGHTER )
NOW… ( LAUGHTER )
STILL SOUND PRETTY GOOD, THOUGH. STILL SOUND PRETTY GOOD. NOW, THE REPORT DOESN’T SPECIFY
THE SOURCE OF THE HUMAN D.N.A. IS IT HAIR? IS IT FINGERNAILS? DID A LONELY FACTORY WORKER STAY
LATE ONE NIGHT AND SEDUCE A SAUSAGE CASING MACHINE? COULD YOUR PIG IN A BLANKET HAVE
A BUN IN THE OVEN? WHO KNOWS? FOLKS… YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THAT
IMAGE, BY THE WAY. FOLKS, THIS NEWS COMPLETELY
CHANGES AMERICA’S LOVE AFFAIR WITH THE ALL-BEEF FRANK. OR SHOULD I SAY THE ALL-FRANK
BEEF? ( LAUGHTER )
AND THE SAD MEAT NEWS JUST KEEPS ON COMING BECAUSE TODAY I HEARD
SOMETHING THAT WAS A GRADE-A BUMMER.>>BAD NEWS FOR BACON LOVERS AND
LOVERS OF A LOT OF THINGS. THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION
RULED THAT BACON, SAUSAGE, AND OTHER PROCESSED MEATS CAN CAUSE
CANCER.>>IT PUT PROCESSED MEAT IN THE
SAME DANGER CATEGORY AS CIGARETTES AND ASBESTOS.>>Stephen: WHAT? SMOKED MEATS ARE AS DANGEROUS AS
ASBESTOS? THERE GOES MY PLAN TO INSULATE
MY ATTIC WITH JERKY! HOW CAN CURED MEAT BE BAD FOR
YOU? IT’S GOT THE WORD “CURE” RIGHT
IN THE NAME! NEXT, YOU’RE GOING TO TELL ME
THAT LIFESAVERS DON’T HELP DROWNING PEOPLE! ( LAUGHTER )
MAKES NO SENSE. THIS IS SAD, SO SAD. I LIVE FOR MEAT. I HAVE– AND THIS IS TRUE– A
TWO-POUND SLAB OF BACON IN MY FRIDGE AT ALL TIMES. I’VE GOT TO. I’M THE FATHER OF TWO TEENAGE
BOYS. THE ONLY WAY I CAN GET THEM OUT
OF BED IN THE MORNING IS TO FRY UP SOME BACON. THAT’S WHAT THE KIDS CALL
“WAKIN’ AND BACON.” THAT SMELLS, YOU GET THAT STUFF
SIZZLING IN THE PAN IT MAKES THEM FLOAT DOWN TO THE
KITCHEN LIKE A CARTOON HOBO FOLLOWING THE SMELL WAVES FROM
A PIE. YOU THINK THEY’LL COME RUNNING
DOWNSTAIRS TO THE SCENT OF ME WASHING KALE? “KIDS, IT’S TIME FOR BREAKFAST. COME WATCH DADDY CRY INTO HIS
CANTALOUPE.” BUT NOW, ACCORDING TO DOCTORS, I
CAN’T SMOKE AND I CAN’T EAT BACON, BUT THEY HAVEN’T SAID
ANYTHING ABOUT “SMOKING BACON.” HERE WE GO. MMMM-MMMM-MMMM-MMMM-MMM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) THAT’S ACTUALLY BETTER THAN I
IMAGINED. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT BE CAREFUL. BE CAREFUL, THOUGH. THE PORK THESE DAYS IS SO MUCH
STRONGER THAN IT WAS IN THE ’60s. BUT THE THING THAT REALLY GETS
MY GOAT– IF I CAN EVEN HAVE GOAT ANYMORE– IS THE WAY
VEGETARIANS REACTED TO THIS NEWS. BECAUSE USING THE HASHTAG “SMUG
VEGETARIAN”– WHICH IS REDUNDANT, BY THE WAY– THEY GOT
ALL VEGGIER-THAN-THOU ON TWITTER, SAYING THINGS LIKE,
“HA, I’M ALWAYS RIGHT. NOW I HAVE PROOF. SEE YA, BACON EATERS!”
AND “MUA-HA-HA, RED MEAT CAUSES CANCER, LIKE WE DIDN’T KNOW THAT
ALREADY. SORRY, MEAT EATERS. OH, HA-HA! HERE’S A VEGETARIAN JOKE. “WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE
ROAD? I HOPE YOU GET CANCER.” ( LAUGHTER )
I GET IT, VEGETARIANS. WHEN YOU SEE YOUR FELLOW HUMAN
BEINGS SUFFERING, IT’S FUNNY. BUT HEAVEN FORBID I SHOULD EAT A
SHRIMP! YOU ARE AWARE THAT AN EAR OF
CORN HAS A BETTER CHANCE AT FORMING A COHERENT THOUGHT THAN
A SHRIMP, RIGHT? HAVE YOU EVER HAD A CONVERSATION
WITH A SHRIMP? IT’S ALMOST AS BORING AS TALKING
TO A VEGETARIAN. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND, I HOPE–
I HOPE YOU’RE COMFORTABLE ON THAT HIGH HORSE THAT YOU REFUSE
TO EAT, VEGGIES, BECAUSE YOU GOT ME. SLAP THE CUFFS ON, OFFICER TOFU. EATING MEAT IS BAD FOR YOU. OF COURSE, I DON’T ENGAGE IN
THAT KIND OF PETTY SCHADENFREUDE, SO IT BRINGS ME
ABSOLUTELY NO PLEASURE TO TELL YOU THAT THE SAME HOT DOG STUDY
I MENTIONED EARLIER ALSO FOUND THAT 10% OF VEGETARIAN HOT DOGS
CONTAIN MEAT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT’S RIGHT! THAT’S RIGHT! YOU KNOW THAT TIME YOU THOUGHT
YOU TASTED SOMETHING FLAVORFUL? THAT WAS THE MEAT. KEEP IN MIND– RIGHT, RIGHT? AM I RIGHT. AND KEEP IN MIND, NOT JUST ANY
MEAT, BECAUSE IN TWO-THIRDS OF ALL VEGETARIAN
HOT DOGS, THEY ALSO FOUND HUMAN D.N.A. TWO-THIRDS! TOFU DOGS ARE PEOPLE! THEY’RE PEOPLE! SO, VEGETARIANS, STICK THAT IN
YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT.

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100 thoughts on “The Meatocalypse Has Arrived

  1. Haha I love being vegan because some of us are so pretentious. It’s hilarious. But it’s true we all secretly hate other humans and enjoy their suffering.

  2. I love food. Pork is may be fine, ham is now a four letter word, bacon is good, and beef is only good when its not in latin or gangster. However, He kind of went off on a tangent with the "processed" meat thing. It said "processed", not smoked. Smoked is not processed. Facts, people, facts.

  3. Seems like the stories of the Russian Mafia getting rid of bodies by grinding them up in their meat packing plants may not be so apocryphal after all. >.<

  4. i really hope that… some day…. for no reason at all… they put TOFU DOGS ARE PEOPLE!!! as a Battlecry in some shooter/action game… any game… Call of Duty… World or Warcarft… But this one, with Stephen's voice… that would be so great xDDD

  5. Preface: I think Stephen I hysterical, love him, for the most part. But he can fuck with this. Stop encouraging ignorant dismissal of health facts. Also, good to know about the veggie dogs, now I know TO STOP CONSUMING THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE BAD FOR ME. see, learned something new, changed my habits accordingly. Not blindly sticking to old habits out of stubbornness and convince.

  6. Disgraceful. I don't care if this is comedy, making fun of the innocent victims of slaughter is downright cancerous in of itself. He'll be eating his words someday.

  7. Watching this now two years later — this is still one of the best Late Show desk segments yet. I love how, as he's reading, he seems to find what appears on the teleprompter as funny as the audience does.

    Also, funny to see how the writing style at this stage of the show is still so influenced by the old show. The whole first two sentences. The starting with "folks," the mock-disingenuous "I don't like to like to talk about myself that much" that only works if the character talking is the pompous Character, and the "long time viewers of last night's show" — that's all pulled straight from the Report repertoire, that by 2017 he and the writers had entirely moved away from.

  8. I've been vegetarian for 20 years, recently became vegan. I know we get a really bad rap. I read that article about processed meat on a vegan site, and read lots of vindictive comments from fellow vegheads. But I swear from the bottom of my tofu-loving heart that we're not all like that! And it goes both ways. A chef in the UK recently resigned from her restaurant after bragging about "spiking" a vegan's meal with real cheese. Thank goodness there were no serious allergy attacks reported. So everyone, be nice to each other. 🙂

  9. This guys a moron. Ignorant and uneducated buffoon… talking shit, making sheeple laugh in a bid to cover up real life dangers within the food industry.. smart man! Doesn't have a clue what he's saying and the crowd sit their and soak it up 😂

  10. Meat eaters often don't realize how self righteous they're being. They ascribe self righteous words to vegetarians even when they aren't there. I've known people that are vegetarian but have mentioned it to others only when strictly relevant to being served a meal. There are still meat eaters who will jump into some diatribe about them being self righteous, caring about animals more than people, etc (clearly not realizing the irony).

    I get it though because people that are vegetarians for the animals are making a moral judgement. Any moral judgement comes with some level of righteousness. Imagine you were against beating children (or anything that you think is wrong) and the rest of society was not against it. If you told someone that you did not beat your children, that person would likely get defensive. They might say that you had no right to tell them what to do with their family, that you were self righteous, that you weren't doing parenting right or that you just didn't do it because you weren't a parent, that you were a 'pussy' etc. Their diatribe would often sound self righteous even if you just made a simple single statement that you didn't beat children. That's because that simple statement that you decline to participate in something because you believe it is wrong makes them feel judged for doing that thing. If you said that you didn't hit kids because it made your back problems worse, you wouldn't hear a peep though.

    This reaction to a moral stance best applies to stances where other people have some buried feeling that they actually are doing something wrong. If a group declared a moral stance against wearing green, people would just think it was silly. Most probably wouldn't bother to start arguments over it, they'd just maybe poke a bit of fun. People do get into arguments over vegetarianism because they feel defensive about contributing to a system that runs on suffering and death.
    Of course there are vegetarians that argue with others that eating meat is wrong and there are vegetarians that don't. Unless the vegetarian specifies that they are not a vegetarian for moral reasons, many meat eaters are going to get defensive either way.

    On a different note, why is there so much human in (faux) meat?

  11. Awhile ago I watched a Hank Green video where he tried to make me feel guilty about eating meat. Now I make a point to eat at least one animal product a day out of spite.

  12. meat causes cancer…studies have been showing this for decades. I just moved to the midwest and the majority of my neighbors have cancer and heart issues…it's the dairy and meat.

  13. How many comebacks say I? let me count the ways. I could go on forever. OMG OMG LMAO ROFL peeing, pooping, just stop, I can't I'm messaging my kids right now, is this racist? Mawwy mimi does these wesippees have shooga in dem? what about IBS? Or IBD? Or CIDP? Or collioitis? scolohlyshit? or just STOp. I'm kweyeing. Is it soup yet? And that's just the trailer? Has Dady jon scene this?or snl? you loooque mahhvaluss pleeese schtop, no don't schtop, no schtopp bob new hard i love you and jst dimples. you rock

  14. Usually he talks like an intelligent guy..this is the first time I saw him imitate an ignorant fuktard…and the last time too. Unsubscribed…Im better off watching John Oliver..I doubt he could be as stupid no matter how hard he tried. But if he does get cancer in the future…I hope he laughs about it too because I will be laughing my ass off how he shows his audience how to do the opposite of what is the healthy way to eat and then faces the consequences of it. Lets hope his kids are smarter than him.

  15. Smoking bacon from a pipe.

    Colbert in that moment is, without a doubt, a 100% Grade A badass American! And I will fight anyone who thinks otherwise! 😉

  16. Like so many other things, if you over-do it, then it becomes unhealthy. You probably don't want to eat bacon, or sausage, or donuts, or pancakes, or biscuits&gravy, every morning for breakfast. But once a month isn't going to hurt you. All things in moderation is a proven life strategy.

  17. As UK comedian Gary Delaney once said, pigs in blankets are just visiting relatives sleeping in your spare room.

  18. Pure beef hamburgers aren't processed, other than that the meat they're made of has been ground.

  19. What amount of human DNA did they find? Cause I imagine if someone has handled the sausages or whatever with their bare hands they will have left some human DNA on them, but that's hardly the same as them containing human meat (which it what Stephen reads into that particular result).

  20. Thanks for the ad idea!
    'Soylent Green Sausages – does not contain 2% human DNA'
    More like 100%! Bwahaha!

  21. Fucking hell Colbert used to be so good, when it wasn't 100% political jokes. Haha we get it Trump jokes were funny, but you might as well rename the late show to what did trump tweet today.

  22. They said processed meats cause cancer, not meat itself. They probably meant nitrates, since they are the ones turning cancerogenic after being heated up.
    The Big Meat just needs to get rid of that preservative and find a healthier option or give us the possibility to buy fresh meat products.

  23. As a rule of thumb I don't trust any study like this because of a single factor. It's going to change by the end of the year.

  24. I was full-on sobbing because of how incredibly awful my life is… then I turned this video on and now I a blubbering fool because you are so freaking funny!

  25. Dear god, who eats vegie hotdogs? I tried them once. I'd rather eat dirt. I mean, it's the lowest quality meat, reduced in quality by being meatless. Do the math. Just the opinion of a vegan that is willing to admit that bbq ribs are the pinnacle of flavor.

  26. Insects are the future, meat-lovers! Large animal farming is not sustainable and will continue to decline because we keep wasting forests and water on raising/feeding the animals. In the coming decades, a $10 steak today will cost you $60 tomorrow. Insects have more protein per weight and are much more economic to farm.

  27. I had cancer in 2015 when this was announced.. I still love bacon, just don’t eat smoked or super crispy bacon… but my 11 year old not only refuses to eat bacon, but he gets upset if I eat it now! (understandable I guess)
    Trying to teach him the danger is in the smoking process and eating carbon (burnt bits), but he is adamant.
    Makes me proud and sas at the same time… I love bacon. But I can definitely see the time coming when we stop eating pork, full stop.

  28. I don't think you have ever tasted good vegetarian meal, you are all right about meat but there are vegetarian cuisines that would blow your mind. Start with Indian vegetarian thalis.

  29. It’s funny now. But in the future looking back on it, it will be absolutely disgusting and Colbert will be embarrassed.

  30. Ouch, laughing at cancer is never a good idea, even if your one of the lucky ones who never gets it, your going to know someone who will

  31. If my miscalculations are correct and 2/3rds of vegetarian hot dogs are human, then vegetarians are cannibals. This is how the zombie apocalypse will start

  32. 糟了,许多人知古秘密了,旧弑主和滅囗,殺也殺不完了,从献髮助信心约律而引咩恋而亡,至今,,,。
    怎麽辨,,,??。

  33. wow that's the least funny comedian ever, how does he have a show?…. oh well back to john oliver, and trevor noah

  34. May I suggest you switch to Smart Dogs? Vegetarian hot dogs. I don't eat them for my cholesterol or my heart or for any health reason. I eat them because I don't like the taste of blood that seems to carry reactions to the torture and terror and pain experienced by food animals whether on the killing floors of slaughter houses or chicken processing plants or factory fishing ships. The horrible treatment has been documented and shared many times. May I also suggest that before you and your sons enjoy your next pound of bacon each you go to the location where the pig was reared to porker size and accompany it every step of the way from there to your table. See if it affects the lure of frying flesh.

  35. NEVER thought i would ever see someone smoke bacon…..from a pipe. unbelievably hilarious! and what he said to vegans and vegetarians, i just gotta say: suck on that, #SmugVegetarian movement! none of you are gonna change the minds of us meat eaters when it comes to eating meat.

  36. It’s ok to keep eating meat, because Joe Biden and Trump have the cure for cancer hidden in their pocket.

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